The Caroline of 2002 is a shell of who I am today. If I saw her, I’m not sure I would recognize her. She spent the first few days of trips to Paris and London in the darkened hotel room watching television and hardly eating. She wouldn’t try new dishes and avoided leaving her comfort zone. She skipped school for days at a time. My issues extended well past travel but were exacerbated by it. I had anxiety and wouldn’t eat in order to control it.
Some of my early travel memories are like those days in Paris and London. Getting sick at the table of a bar in Amsterdam when I was 18, awkwardly explaining to my travel companions. Not eating for much of my trip to Croatia apart from packets of paprika flavored Pringles and Cokes. Even as recently as my trip to Australia, I struggled with food and it was a major source of contention in my last relationship.
My life BT, before travel, consisted of eating little, limited social interaction and self-loathing. I hated myself every time I drew attention to myself for my lack of eating or inability to eat different things. I was actually relieved when I came down with dysentery because it meant I didn’t have to go to my then boyfriend’s sister’s birthday dinner, a vegetarian meal. I did my best to avoid my triggers, but I was only half living.
Fast forward three years later to when I traveled around Southeast Asia for three months, thinking nothing of eating from street stalls or the logistics of getting around in a place where I didn’t speak the language. I’ve gotten my appetite back, not just for food, but for life and for travel. I actually get excited about trying new dishes when I travel and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned how to take care of myself, to support myself and feel confident. I can travel solo without fear holding me back. That’s not to say there aren’t moments when I feel the anxiety bubbling up. It will always be there, but I can’t let it control me.
If I hadn’t found travel in my life, I’m not sure where I’d be. I might still be around 95 pounds, subsisting on french fries, hardly leaving the house. I might never have gone to Australia and wouldn’t have made the same friends. I certainly wouldn’t have this blog, which eventually led to my writing career. I might still be waiting tables in my hometown, unhappy but immobile. I firmly believe that travel saved my life.
Thanks for sharing this with us! I had no idea you struggled with anxiety so much. I think travel helps a lot of us get past issues like anxiety. It helps to focus on something we enjoy so much, and somehow being forced into new situations helps push past the fears. Travel has definitely given me more confidence, and I think that’s why I get antsy when I don’t travel enough. I know I need it to remind me I’m stronger than I think I am.
Also, how did I miss that you had dysentery a few years ago? Yikes.
Thanks for commenting, Ali! Travel is a make or break situation for anxiety and other issues so thankfully it was make for me!
I would never have guessed you used to get that anxious, Caroline! But I, for one, am exceedingly happy that travel saved you :)
Thanks for reading, Flora! Travel has also brought me some great friends like you!
This was such a powerful post, Caroline–thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad to hear you were saved by travel!
Thanks for reading, Abby!
Wow, very honest post. I bet this will help some with similar issues. So good to see you in NYC…hope to see you in FL in a few months for TBEX.
Thanks for reading, Mike! Good seeing you and hope to repeat it soon!
What a lovely post! Thank you very much for sharing that with us. i had recently read Never Ending Footstep’s blog on how travelling helped overcome her anxiety and other mental health issues and it’s not only inspiring that travel helped you become the person you are today but that you were able to share this with us, it puts the idea of travelling solo or travelling in general as a means of ‘escape’ or ‘to isolate’ yourself into perspective.
Thanks, Rebecca! I just finished her book and it made me think a lot about where I would be wihtout travel.
I enjoy reading your blogs as my wife and I love to travel when we get the chance. Nice that your anxiety has been conquered. Keep doing what you love. Cheers! BTW Great photo of the wine, but should be a beer.
Thanks Sandy! I have plenty of beer pictures, but not with a nice sunset in the background!
You’re a lot braver than you think, Caroline. Solo travel isn’t easy. The “table for one” scenario in a foreign country probably lines up there with public speaking in your underwear. Well, not quite that bad, but it’s something most people would never even consider. And traveling without eating would be a sad thing, indeed. I think you’re right, though, that traveling gives you experiences and puts you in situations you wouldn’t normally have to confront. It gives you confidence – I think it has for me. You have one of two choices, either crawl under the sheets in your hotel room or go out and face it. I’m glad that you went out there and faced it – and came back smiling!
Thanks for sharing. Your story is very similar to mine. I also have anxiety and was anorexic as a way to control it in the past. Travel has made me feel more brave, more free, and so I don’t have to rely on food as a crutch any more.
I’m glad you’ve overcome it too! It’s hard to be honest about these types of struggles but I feel like it can help other people.