On Guilt and Apologies

I’ve always been called a worrywart. Anxious. Guilty. I’m full of emotion at any given time. There’s always a voice in the back of my head thinking, “Did I say something stupid? Does everyone hate me?” People make jokes about Catholic guilt, but I have non-denominational guilt.

Sociopaths are people who feel no sort of guilt or remorse. I am at the exact opposite end of the spectrum. In this exact moment, I feel guilty for eating meat (baby pigs are so cute!), living with my parents at age 27, not exercising enough and things I’ve said and done in the past decade. It’s exhausting.

Guilt is a funny thing. Everyone feels it in different degrees. I recently met up with an old friend that I hadn’t seen in five years. We caught up on all manners of things, but she told me a story about how she recently apologized to someone for something that happened way back then.

It wasn’t even that big of a situation, but she traces the change in their relationship to that moment. She has been carrying it around for six years. When she apologized, the person basically responded by saying “it’s no big deal” and brushing it off. On one hand, she was glad that the person hadn’t been holding resentment this whole time, waiting for an apology. But on the other hand, there was no sense of resolution and she didn’t feel better after apologizing.

In college, I dated a guy on and off for two years. We had been friends for a long time beforehand but once we developed a relationship it was different. He didn’t treat me how I felt that I should be treated as a friend or a girlfriend.

There were a lot of problems, but eventually everything came to a head with one night. Without being too specific, it was bad all around and I had a lot of guilt but he seemed to have none. We didn’t speak after that for two years.

And then I got a Facebook message from him. I had cut him out of my life in all ways, phone, social media and all, so this came as a surprise. I’d even managed to avoid him when we lived in the same city, avoiding places I thought he might be.

I’d moved on with my life, starting this blog, graduating from college, moving to Australia, finding another relationship, so it jolted me back to how I felt then, hurt, betrayed and taken for granted. In the message, he said that he wanted to apologize because he knew he had treated me badly. I re-read the message many times before thinking about what to say. I texted my sister. I read it to her.

For years, I’d wanted that apology. I thought of those movie moments when the guy realizes he’s screwed up and comes to your door to apologize and confess his love for you. This was not like that. Instead, I replied with, “Are you in Alcoholics Anonymous or something?”

The perfect bit of snark and reservation, I thought it was the only explanation for his message. He said that no, he’d just been thinking about it and was long overdue in making amends. We’d both carried something around with us from that night. It may have taken a while, but he carried guilt. I carried hurt, even years after I stopped caring about him.

But there’s joy to be found in the resolution of guilt. It’s like a giant weight has been lifted off of your back. Like you dropped off a heavy suitcase that you’ve been dragging down the road. That joy can come from apologizing for something you feel guilty about or from no longer worrying about something you had unnecessary guilt for.

And likewise, there’s courage in apologizing. It’s not easy. You’re never really sure how it’s going to go. The person could act how the earlier story did, brushing it off and acting like it was no big deal. They could act like I did with my ex, having major reservations and being unsure if I was ready to forgive.

They could say nothing at all or ignore you or punch you in the face (which you may deserve). Just remember that the point isn’t to make you feel better by eliminating your guilt, which it sometimes does, but to be genuinely sorry.

It’s as simple as this: if you feel guilty and you didn’t hurt someone, relax; if you feel guilty and you did hurt someone, apologize.

I leave you with the words of wisdom from Queen Adele, who knows all. This song will give you goosebumps, whether you’re the one who has been waiting for resolution for years or the one carrying around the guilt. Or even if you just appreciate a killer song.

For me, not everything in my life is about travel, so it makes sense that my blog would be more than just travel. This is one such post that was just as much for me to write as it was to be read. If you like this type of writing, let me know and click here for more. If you prefer travel, click here for more of that.