It’s been over a year since I started seeing a therapist. It’s something I thought about for a long time before I sought help. When I approached my 30th birthday, I realized that my way of doing things wasn’t working anymore. I’d been ignoring issues for way too long because of the stigma of therapy and feeling like I should be able to fix myself.
There were a lot of times I should have gone previously. I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life and later dealt with disordered eating. When I turned 30, I started thinking about how I approach dating and relationships which is what finally brought me in. It was also open conversations like those on My Favorite Murder and with friends that changed my mind.
It’s okay to talk about it. It does not have to be like Fight Club. You can share your breakthroughs with friends and family. Anyone who rolls their eyes at the phrase “my therapist says” is not your people. This is how we break the stigma and associations of straightjackets and Girl Interrupted.
Like in dating, your first person might not be a good fit. Therapy is so personality-based that it might take trial and error. A friend of mine recommended giving someone three sessions to decide if it’s a match. I went to a few sessions at one practice before I found the one I go to now. I recommend looking on Psychology Today! There are also incredible online options now like Better Help and TalkSpace that may be covered by your insurance.
You are not alone. It’s easy to feel like you are the first or only person to experience something, but pretty much everything has already happened. The only way you feel less alone is to reach out to others, especially those that have already gone through it.
Treat yourself the way you treat others. Why are we so critical of ourselves but we would never say such horrible things to other people? I struggle with this daily.
Feelings aren’t something to get rid of. It’s like pain. It shows you you’re alive. They aren’t to be dulled with alcohol or pushed down to avoid discomfort. You have to exist in them before you can get over them.
See situations from other people’s perspective. It doesn’t make their behavior right, it just gives them the benefit of the doubt that they’re handling it the best they know how. We’re all just doing the best we can.
How I see myself is not necessarily how other people see me. I have mythology around myself. That I’m too much. That I’m awkward. That the people in my life are just “putting up with me.” And maybe that’s true some of the time, but not usually.
You are in charge of setting your own boundaries. Ask for what you need from all relationships. How can you expect to get what you want if you don’t make that clear? For me, it’s easier to be unhappy and resentful than to face a potentially awkward conversation.
It’s hard work. It forces you to examine yourself in a way that you might not always like. It places responsibility on you and your actions. If it was easy, everyone would do it.
No one is too far gone. Treat your mental health like your physical health by going in for checkups. That doesn’t mean that you need medication or therapy for the rest of your life. You might, which is okay too. Whatever helps you get better.
It’s definitely hard to get past that stigma and finally find a therapist. I had one when I was in Atlanta for a year or so before I moved to Germany, and it was really helpful. And I totally agree about not every therapist is a good fit. I tried one in Berlin a few years ago, and she just did not mesh with me, so I eventually stopped going to her. Now I Skype with someone in the US who is really helpful, though technically she has to call it coaching. But yeah, it’s really helpful to work through issues with someone trained who knows what they’re doing. We probably all need to talk about this kind of thing more so people know it’s ok to ask for help.
Hey Caroline thank you for your brave and insightful post. I think work in the recovery field we have so normalised therapy to such a degree, that we forget the stigmas that so many people have.
There are so many indicators here that allude to you going through deeper breakthrough moments and it is very encouraging and also the hallmark of finding a good therapist.
Of course, each point could be the tip of an iceberg and a whole jumble of psychology words but your synopses are far more eloquent, I think.
I go through posts like this when I am idea sourcing for my recovery blog.
This one jolted as I recently completed a post about how to maximise therapy sessions.
In essence, so that you can get to where you want to go in therapy without spending weeks/months head bumping from session to session.
You can read it here one day when you get the time.
https://www.recoverydirect.co.za/tips-for-getting-the-most-from-psychotherapy/
It’s an odd topic but one that resonated with me because for so long I was so “therapy-resistant”.
As a dude it took me ages to finally go talk to someone and when I finally did and worked through all my resistances the breakthroughs happened and it completely changed my perspective and life journey, career etc.
That I think is what makes posts like this so important. Simple candid explanations that prompt and explain perspectives from psychology in plain English.
Well done and thanks again
Doug
Thanks for sharing, Caroline. Great tips for sharing with friends and family who are dealing with some of these same things.
P.S. I think you’re terrific.